A.A. Superstar

My acting career
has gone into free fall
The commercials and bit parts
have all run dry
My agent
isn’t taking
my calls anymore
And residual checks
when they finally arrive
aren’t enough
to squeeze out a latte
What’s a has-been never was
got to do
to pull his sweet ass
out of turnaround?

Now, I’ve heard of a place
where a man can relax
schmooze with the bigwigs
make some blockbuster
Hollywood deals
No, there ain’t no acting class
with this kind of juice
This ain’t no casting director workshop
I’m going to
willingly hand in
my Screen Actors Guild Card
for a brand new career
as an A.A. Superstar

After a brief stint in rehab
with Lindsay Lohan
I’m guest speaker
at a Beverly Hills meeting
Look, Sir Anthony Hopkins
Over there, it’s Tim Allen
After the meeting
at the Rock ‘n Roll Denny’s
Christian Slater asks
to buy me a coffee
I hear even Downy, Jr.
knows who I am
Looks like I finally made it
as a big fish
in a champagne filled bathtub
Look at me now, Ma
I’m an A.A. Superstar

I hear it’s never to late
to sleep my way
to the middle
So I starfuck my way
down the D list
I’ve done one of the original
MTV veejays
and a chick
from “Designing Women”
There was that time
in the bathroom
with that woman from “Star Trek”
and a night bumpin’ uglies
with Charo
Now, that may not sound
like a whole bunch o’ fun
but them’s the perks of the job
as an A.A. Superstar

Now I’m working the circuit
and selling my tapes
for $3.99 a pop
Everyone on the west coast
can recite from memory
every salacious detail
of my story
It does break my heart
that I’ll never play Hamlet
but I’ll never need
to set my sights high
as an A.A. Superstar

Image by Mark Engelbrecht/Flickr

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