Rehab Stories: Rehab to the Stars

Welcome, my friend, and come on in
to the rehab of your dreams.
You’re going to love it here.
We’ve lined up the heavy hitters,
ripe for your schmoozing pleasure:
the likes of which
have never before been gathered together
in the recreation/smoking area
of one narcotics recovery facility.

Let me introduce you to the hot, young movie star,
fresh from his televised hit,
screaming racial epithets
while being shoved in a black and white
and a command performance
in front of Judge Ito (remember him?)
in courtroom number 65B.
He’s rumored to be straight and rumored to be gay,
so I’d lock your door at night just to be safe.

Now here’s our washed up rock star,
milking that one hit he had,
what, thirty years ago, now?
You can see from his smile he’s not unhappy to be here.
He hasn’t had press this good
since he married that 15-year-old girl.
As soon as he gets out of here,
he’s putting the band back together
and working the county fair circuit.

Don’t forget the talentless debutante,
who’s famous for being famous.
If you’re lucky, she’ll give you a blowjob,
which I’d love to tell you
is the one thing she’s good at
but we haven’t discovered her forte yet.
We know it’s not staying sober.
This is her sixth try here and…
whoops, she’s out the door again.

As you can see,
you’ll make some great connections here.
All the big guns have been here.
Directors, writers, agents too.
Unless I miss my guess, I’d say Charlie Sheen
should be due back any day now.
If you work really hard and
mouth all the right words,
we might let you host Saturday Night Live.

February 25, 2008 Los Angeles, CA
Celebrity Rehab Reunion
KTLA Studios
Photo: Evans Ward / VH1

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