Rehab Stories: The World’s Worst Dating Service

Don’t fuck
any of the women
that is the very first thing
you said to me
as I walked through the door

You forgot to mention
that is was also
a pretty good idea
not to fuck
any of the men

Not that I would
under normal circumstances
but I’m incredibly bored
and I’ve got to find SOMETHING
to do with my time

Heedless of the danger
couples are pairing up
like animals
desperately mating
on Noah’s ark

Why would anyone, want anyone here?
unless the thought of dating someone
whose life was a smoking ruin
crushed into tiny, worthless pieces around their feet
was enough to get you totally hot

Take a long, hard look
at the deep lines in my tired face
See the terror and confusion
in my eyes?
You really want a piece of this?

The wheels have fallen
off this cart already
I’m the wreckage lying in the ditch
Even if I wanted to
I doubt I could get it up

So if you
absolutely
positively
categorically
must get laid

Take a good look around
somewhere on earth
you’ve got to be able to find
a less pathetic dating pool
than this

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